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PILLOW TALK: Learning the Lost Language of Love

Posted by Nap Queen on May 10, 2018
In recent years, pillow talk has become somewhat of a lost art, no longer perceived as passionate whispers between lovers. The overwhelming amount of dirty talk in pornography sets strange and unrealistic expectations of what to say, when how to say it and why.
Dr. Jess O'Reilly, leading sexologist and host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast, reminds us that pillow talk is, at its core, communication. It's an opportunity to make your partner feel sexy, loved and desired--it doesn't always have to be raunchy and explicit. It's also an opportunity to deepen your level of intimacy, establish a level of comfort so any issues that may come up along the way are easier and less embarrassing to discuss, make sure that you're both on the same page and getting what you want and a way to explore fantasies.
Follow her tips to rediscover the lost art of pillow talk in your bedroom:

1. Dirty talk need not be raunchy. It can be seductive, teasing, playful, romantic, sweet, fantastical and more! 
2. It's not just about what you say, but how you say it. The tone, volume and speed of sexual communication are all elemental to delivery and interpretation. Try whispering in their ear at the dinner table; even if it's a little muffled and they can't make out each and every word, they'll pick up on your energy and intent. Alternatively, use direct talk to seduce and ask for what you want with fleeting eye contact and a slower than usual drawl. 
3. Test the waters outside of the bedroom first. If you're feeling nervous or shy, play with different dirty talk themes throughout the day. If you hear song with sexual or erotic lyrics, tease your partner by repeating what you head and asking them if they like it.
4. Use your favourite characters as inspiration. Whether you love Don Draper's dismissive confidence or Claire Underwood's natural dominance, refer to pop culture for inspiration and as fodder for conversation with your partner. When you hear (or see) something sexy on-screen, ask your partner how it makes them feel and if they'd like you to try out their tone or language in the bedroom.
5. Start in the morning to tease your lover with playful hints and teasing. A simple, "I can't wait to get my hands on you later," as you walk out the door can be just as alluring as a more explicit text midday, so play with a variety of approaches according to your comfort level.
6. Use props. If you feel self conscious, try talking dirty with your face against a pillow or while your under the covers. Even trying it in the dark or with loud music playing in the background can help to lower inhibitions via sensory deprivation and overload.
For specific examples and a more extensive guide, check out my Ultimate Guide to Dirty Talk, from my newest book The New Sex Bible, available automatically with email signup to the Sex With Dr Jess newsletter. 

Dr. Jess O'Reillyhost of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, is a sex and relationship expert, keynote speaker, television personality. She holds a PhD in human sexuality with a focus on education. Her practical relationship advice reaches millions each month via mainstream media outlets and she travels extensively across the globe to work with couples (including royalty and presidential candidates) to transform their relationships from good to great.


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